


A Little Bit of Sunlight

by MaraRogue



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: (sort of), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, First Dates, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memory Loss, Post-Canon, deviates from canon during season 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:27:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26861371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaraRogue/pseuds/MaraRogue
Summary: "Before they saved the world Jon learnt that it would come ‘at great personal cost.’"Jon wakes up after the end of the world, ready to start a life with Martin, only to find Martin has forgotten their relationship. Martin wakes up in Scotland with no memory of the past four years.
Relationships: Georgie Barker/Melanie King, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 82
Kudos: 399





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from 'Absolute Lithops Effect' by The Mountain Goats 
> 
> This was mostly written during the last hiatus so it has some things that are no longer canon, but oh well.   
> Hope you enjoy.

Before they saved the world Jon learnt that it would come at 'great personal cost.'

'What does that even mean?' Martin had asked. 'Why is everything always so cryptic?'

'I can't know more than that. I can't see the future. I just know this will fix it, at a cost.'

'It has to be worth it, right? Whatever the price? We have to do it, for everyone, all the people that are trapped here.'

And they had. They had banished the entities, and it had put the world back, put everything back. It had brought them back to Scotland.

They spent the last of their energy checking over the cabin and its surroundings to find everything was back. It looked exactly as it had when Martin had left for that walk. They were too tired to celebrate their victory, and they were terrified of what the cost would be. 

'I don't know everything anymore.' Jon had said, 'I can't feel any of it,' and they had allowed themselves to hope that the 'personal cost' was their power. They went to bed, curled up together, holding each other tight. 

* * *

Jon slept fitfully. He hadn't slept since he ended the world. He hadn't needed to rest. When he woke, sunlight was streaming in through the window. He couldn’t remember the last time he had slept without seeing other people’s nightmares. He felt more human than he had in years. Martin was asleep beside him, looking as peaceful as Jon felt. He knew they would have a busy day ahead of them, calling their friends, figuring out what the world looked like now, what had changed, what had healed. But they could do it. Together they could figure out what came next. He resisted the urge to wake Martin with a kiss. Better to let him rest.

Jon went to shower and then decided to make breakfast for them both. They had saved the world, that earned breakfast in bed at the very least. As he cooked he made two lists in his head, a short term list - urgent things that needed sorting, and a long term list - nice things he and Martin could do now they might get to be normal. Number one on the list was to go on a real date, out for dinner somewhere nice. It was good to be able to think about mundane things rather than whatever hellscape they would walk through next.

He knew something was wrong almost the second he opened the bedroom door, carrying breakfast in carefully on a tray. Martin was awake, sitting up in bed. He was looking around in confusion. Jon was hit with a wave of guilt. He’d gotten up and left Martin to wake up alone, not thinking about how much that might frighten him.

‘Martin-’ he began, attempting to apologise for his misstep.

‘Jon?’ The confusion in his voice was jarring, it didn’t make sense.

‘I’m sorry I left, I was just making breakfast, I didn’t mean to scare you.’

‘What? What are you doing here?’ Martin asked. He felt like he had when reading that final statement, the moment he learnt who it was from, the world suddenly pitching.

‘Martin?’ It was all he could say.

‘Where the hell is this? Am I dreaming?’ He tried not to smile at the idea of Martin dreaming about him bringing breakfast. It was hard to adjust to the world being back after what they’d been through, maybe Martin couldn’t yet trust that they’d fixed it.

‘No, you’re not dreaming. We fixed it, remember. We’re in Daisy’s safehouse again.’

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about. Why the hell are you here?’

Jon set the tray down on his bedside table. The words ‘great personal cost’ rang in his ears.

‘We banished the entities, remember? The tower? All those nightmares we walked through? Fixing it sent us back here.’

‘You’re not making any sense. “Back here?” I’ve never been here before in my life.’

‘Daisy’s safehouse. We came here after we left the Lonely.’

‘Who is Daisy? Jon, nothing you’re saying makes any sense. Last night I went to sleep in my bed, in my flat, and now I’m wherever the fuck this is, and you’re here with breakfast.’

‘Your flat?’ Jon echoed.

‘Yes, my flat. The place where I live. The place I normally go to sleep and wake up.’

‘What did you do yesterday?’ He asked, trying to keep his voice steady.

‘What do you mean? You were there. I was at work all day.’

‘Who were you working for?’

‘For you, Jon, you’re my boss, remember.’ The confusion in his voice had been replaced with annoyance.

‘What year is it?’

‘What year? 2016, why are you asking me that?’

‘Shit.’

Martin stared at him for a long time, waiting for clarification. Jon put his head in his hands. He let himself sink to the floor, then took a few deep breaths before speaking.

‘It’s 2020. Or at least, it should be. It was before the world ended.’

‘Fuck off.’

‘It is, Martin.’

‘I can’t talk about this now.’ Martin said and Jon thought about where they were, about how Martin was still in bed, breakfast going cold beside him. He picked the tray back up.

‘Right. Bathroom is down the hall. I’ll reheat this. We can talk when you’re ready.’ His tone had gone cold, factual, he knew it had, but it was either that or start crying and that wouldn’t help either of them. He left the room quickly, putting the tray down on the kitchen counter. Then he sank back onto the floor and sobbed as quietly as he could. 

Martin sat across from Jon to eat the reheated breakfast. A few minutes into the meal Martin broke the silence.

‘2020?’ was all he said. Jon nodded. ‘There’s no way.’

‘Yesterday, when we fixed things, it was… we knew it would be at a cost. We knew there was a price and we didn’t know what that price was. I think part of it was your memory.’ 

‘Fixed things?’

‘God Martin, there’s a lot to go into there.’

‘Who is Daisy?’ Martin asked, pushing baked beans around his plate with a fork and deliberately not looking at Jon. 

‘She works with us. She used to be a detective. Or, I guess she _worked_ with us. I don’t know what happened to her after…’ he trailed off. 

‘She was new? She didn’t work there when…’ 

‘She joined later. I mean, she never really worked with us properly. She broke into Elias’s office and signed a contract.’ 

‘She what?’ Jon laughed, a tired, broken laugh. 

‘It’s a long story.’

‘Right.’ Martin looked exhausted and miserable. Jon desperately wanted to hold him close to comfort him. 

‘I’m sorry Martin.’ 

‘Why are we in Scotland?’ 

‘We were hiding here. There was a lot going on.’

‘Right. But why just us? If there was something going on at the archives why isn’t everyone here?’ Jon didn’t know how to reply. He hadn’t thought about Martin’s memories of Tim and Sasha. He didn’t know if he could break the news without crying. 

‘Jon?’ Martin prompted. 

‘Martin…’ He could see from Martin’s reaction that he understood. 

‘No.’ Martin said. ‘That doesn’t make sense. None of this makes sense. We work in an archive, for fucks sake, we shouldn’t be in hiding.’ 

‘I’m sorry.’ 

‘So you keep saying, but that doesn’t fix any of this, or make it make sense.’ Jon bit back another apology. 

‘I have to go into town, I need to call Basira, to see what the rest of the world looks like now. Do you want to come with me?’ Martin shook his head. 

‘I don’t know who that is.’ 

Instinctively, Jon tried to Know what was wrong with Martin. He had promised not to look into Martin’s head, but this was too much and so he reached out for knowledge that didn’t come. It took him a few seconds to remember that his power was gone. It hadn’t felt like a loss the night before, he had revelled in the feeling of being human again, but now he felt cut off and alone. He’d been able to access information so easily, it was a large part of how they had survived, and now that was all gone. He tried to hide his panic from Martin as he got ready to walk into town.

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, people were walking around, children were playing. The town was back. Basira was alive. London was back, she told him, everything was how it had been before the world ended. She didn’t know if it was safe for them to come, didn’t know if there was anyone still looking for them. He called Georgie as well and was pleasantly surprised that she didn’t hang up on him. Melanie and The Admiral were both alive and well. Georgie listened with sympathy as Jon talked about Martin. He felt so far away from them, so isolated from his friends. He was lost without Martin.

When he got back to the cabin, Martin was sitting on the sofa reading a book. For a second Jon hoped that everything had gone back to normal, but when Martin turned to look at him his gaze had none of it’s usual warmth. 

‘I want to hear about how Tim and Sasha died.’ He said.

They sat side by side on the sofa, staring at the window opposite them. Jon told him both stories, trying to fight the cracks of emotion in his voice and the tears that came to his eyes. He remembered the tape he listened to of Tim and Sasha joking about him. He still couldn’t remember what Sasha looked like, even after killing the creature that had replaced her. He wondered if Martin could remember, but thought it best not to ask. It was far too much pressure to put on him. Explaining Tim’s death was harder as it required an understanding of the entities. Jon knew now that the Unknowing wouldn’t have worked, that they could’ve left it alone. Tim could’ve lived. He couldn’t help the sob that broke into his voice when he told Martin about it. Martin put a hand on his arm to comfort him, but it only made it worse. His Martin, the one who remembered, would’ve put an arm around him, held him close. The tentative hand on his shoulder served only as a reminder of what Jon was missing. While recounting the terrible things that happened to his former assistants it dawned on Jon that the kindest thing to do might be to let Martin go. Maybe a gap in his memories was better than remembering.

By the time Jon finished telling Martin about Sasha and Tim it was dark. Jon made dinner and they ate in silence. There was no spare bedroom. Martin would barely look at him, sharing the bedroom was out of the question. 

‘I’ll take the sofa.’ Jon said after dinner. Martin didn’t reply. 

They’d been living together in near constant silence for two days when Martin asked about making a phone call. 

‘I can take you to the phone box in town, Jon offered, ‘who are you calling?’ 

‘I need to check on my mum,’ Martin said, ‘she’s not very well.’ Jon froze. Another piece of bad news he’d forgotten to give. Martin noticed his reaction. ‘Jon?’ 

‘Martin… I’m so sorry, your mum passed away.’ Tears welled up in Martin’s eyes and he turned his back on Jon. 

‘So I have no one.’ He said. 

‘You’ve got me.’

‘I barely know you,’ Martin said. He couldn’t know how hurtful that was. 

They ate meals together, shared cooking and cleaning duties and spent most of their time in the living room together, but they barely spoke. The distance made Jon feel sick. He remembered their exhausted triumph the night after they saved the world, remembered the morning he spent thinking about future plans before it all came crashing down. Now everything had been snatched away. 

‘Stop looking at me like that.’ Martin said. Jon was startled, he hadn’t known Martin was paying him any attention. 

‘Sorry?’

‘Every time you look at me it’s like I’m breaking your heart.’ He didn’t know he’d been that easy to read. 

‘Martin…’ 

‘I’m sorry, okay. I’m sorry I’m not Tim, or Sasha. I’m sorry they died, but that hurts me too, they were my friends as well. I’m sorry that out of everyone who could have ended up stuck here with you it had to be me. I know you’d rather it were Tim or Sasha, someone who _counts_. But it isn’t them. It’s me. I can’t change that, Jon. I can’t bring them back and I didn’t kill them, so stop looking at me like that.’ Jon was stunned. He knew he hadn’t been the nicest person to be around back then, but the fact that Martin would think that about him stung. 

‘Martin, that’s not it at all.’ Jon said. Martin didn’t seem to believe him. Jon didn’t know how he could convince Martin without telling him the whole truth, and he wasn’t ready to tell Martin what they were to each other. It was too much of a burden to place on him, especially when Martin had no way of getting away from him. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a short chapter this week, but we get to see things from Martin's perspective. Hope you enjoy.

Martin had been having weird dreams. He couldn’t always tell if they were good dreams or nightmares. The first night he dreamt he was trapped in his house terrified of silver worms that wriggled under his door. The second night he dreamt of a beach shrouded in fog. He was all alone and desperate until Jon emerged through the mist. Some of them were truly horrifying, walking through places that couldn’t exist, twisted landscapes of terror. Even in those dreams Jon would be there, holding Martin’s hand, pulling him along. In all of his dreams there was a tenderness between them that couldn’t be real. Martin had liked Jon from their first meeting, but it was just a silly crush and now he was trapped with a man that had shown him nothing but contempt. Jon was being so nice to him, he’d wondered if it was a dream that he was ruining for himself. Waking up with Jon bringing him breakfast in bed, that was the sort of sappy dream he would have. But now it was punctuated by the vividness of the real dreams he was having, he knew it had to be real. He wanted to ask Jon about those dreams, but this wasn’t a Jon that he knew. They were strangers.

He’d lost everyone. He’d lost them all and he couldn’t even remember. To him it felt like he’d been living his normal, dull life and then woken up in the wrong place one day to find everyone gone. He didn’t know if he wanted to remember. Surely it would be worse to have those memories. Jon was covered in scars, he’d clearly been through terrible things. What had Martin experienced? Maybe it was a mercy that he had forgotten. The hardest part was being stuck with Jon who kept looking at him like his heart was breaking. Martin couldn’t deal with it. He had enough going on without feeling guilty that he was the one who survived. 

They settled into a routine, living mostly in silence broken only by Martin’s questions about what he had forgotten. The answers were usually confusing or depressing, and he soon stopped asking. When Jon finally declared that Basira had said it was safe to return to London, Martin thought he would be relieved, but it made him nauseous. He’d lost years of his life. He had no one left. How could he go back to his flat? What would he do? Try to start over from scratch? Jon didn’t seem much happier about it either. 

‘I thought you hated it here? Aren’t you happy we can go?’ He asked Martin that evening over dinner. 

‘I don’t know. Being trapped here is horrible, but what’s out there for me? What’s back in London for me?’ 

‘It might help jog your memory to be in a more familiar place, or to see some of the other people you’ve forgotten.’ 

‘I don’t know if I want to jog my memory, Jon.’ Silence fell between them. Jon was deliberately not looking at Martin. ‘From what you tell me it’s not like I’m missing many particularly lovely experiences, just a whole lot of pain.’ 

‘That’s fair, and it isn’t my place to tell you whether things are worth remembering or not, but… it hasn’t all been horror. I mean, mostly it’s been horror, but…’ Jon trailed off, looking down at the table, ‘I like to think there are some memories that you would want to hold on to.’ 

‘Maybe you could just tell me about the happy parts?’ Martin suggested. 

‘Maybe.’ 

‘You don’t seem thrilled about going back to London either.’ Jon looked up at him and then back down at the table. 

‘I’m worried that if we go back to London…’ He took a deep breath. ‘I’m worried that will be it. You won’t want to see me anymore.’ Martin hadn’t even considered it. In all his worries about going back to an empty flat in a world where he no longer knew anyone, he hadn’t given Jon any thought. 

‘Oh.’ 

'Sorry, sorry, I know that’s a lot. And you don’t really remember me. You remember four years ago me and I was terrible to you. I wouldn’t blame you for wanting nothing to do with me, I just don’t know how I would deal with that.’ Part of Martin wanted to shout at Jon, to tell him how unfair it was to put that on him, but it mostly made him miserable. He didn’t want to feel bad for Jon, but he did. 

‘I don’t know,’ he said, ‘I don’t know anyone else. Not anymore.’ 

‘I know you don’t necessarily want to remember, but if we went back to London I could introduce you to some people from before. You don’t have to go back and be on your own. And if you don’t want to see me after that, I’ll leave you alone.’

This Jon wasn’t the Jon he knew. This Jon was sad and gentle and looked for Martin’s approval in everything he did. It was a bit much, but it was endearing. That night they sat on the sofa in the living room and Jon told him the story of their first night in the safehouse. 

‘The place was a mess and we were both so exhausted. We got a meal deal from the station and ate it on the sofa, made the bed up and tried to ignore the dust everywhere. We were worried about what we’d left behind in London, and completely drained, but we were together for the first time in months. You were out of the Lonely and free from Peter Lukas and you were finally talking to me again. We could’ve been anywhere that night and we would’ve been happy, I think. You had to rescue me from a spider in the bathroom and I joked that we’d both saved each other that day, but it wasn’t really a joke. In the morning we had to start cleaning the cabin, but that night we lay in the dark together and talked about nothing until we were finally able to sleep.’ Martin wanted to point out all the ways the story wasn’t a happy one; the Lonely and the chaos in London they were fleeing, but the way Jon told it made it seem like a beautiful moment. Jon looked around after speaking, as if remembering where he was. 

‘You wanted to hear the happier moments. I know there was a lot happening, but that was a happy moment. I think you’d want to remember that. Or, the you that had all your memories, I think that’s one he’d keep.’ 

‘It sounds nice.’ 

‘It was hard here at first, but it was good. We were happy. That’s what I hoped we’d get back when we fixed everything. The peace we had here. Those days when we were settled, we were healing.’ He turned to look at Martin. ‘That’s too much. I’m sorry.’ 

‘I’m sorry too.’ 

The silence had been broken, and in the few days they gave themselves before leaving, Martin started asking about Jon’s friends in London. Jon told him about those last few months in the archives when Martin wasn’t with them. He talked about Melanie blinding herself to leave, about Basira helping them escape to Scotland, about Georgie helping Jon when he was suspected of murder. Martin couldn’t believe the tragedy and chaos that had come out of an archiving job. He learnt that he wasn’t on good terms with anyone before the world ended, but Jon assured him it wasn’t his fault and that he'd be forgiven. It was so far from the Jon that called him incompetent that it made his head spin.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for your comments, they're so lovely to see. We're back to Jon's perspective for this chapter. Enjoy :)

The journey back to London was tense. Martin wouldn’t sit still, shifting beside Jon, staring across him out of the window. Jon felt sick, certain that he was about to lose Martin forever. Despite his nerves about losing Martin, Jon was excited to get to see his friends again without the horrors he’d been facing looming over him. He was hoping that now his power had gone he could repair his friendship with Georgie. He had things to look forward to in London, but he was terrified that Martin wouldn’t speak to him again. Jon didn’t blame him for not wanting his memories back. He wouldn’t blame anyone for wanting to forget the end of the world. He just missed Martin so much. He missed the Martin that he’d walked out of the Lonely with, the Martin who had marched through the apocalypse with him. It was selfish to ask Martin to remember all of that horror just so he could remember being in love with Jon. 

They went back to Martin’s first. Jon was hoping that the familiar surroundings would jog his memory. The place looked like it hadn’t been lived in for a long time. Martin walked around, giving everything a once over. He didn’t say anything about the state of the flat. 

‘Nothing is coming back to me,’ he told Jon, ‘everything I remember is from before.’ Jon nodded. There was so much he wanted to say to Martin before they parted ways for the first time since the end of the world, but it was all too much. 

‘Right then,’ he said instead, ‘if you don’t need me for anything, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.’ 

‘Jon…’ Martin said, taking a step towards him, ‘I… see you tomorrow.’ 

His own flat was in a similar state, having been neglected for a long time. Jon decided cleaning could wait a night and headed to bed. It felt wrong trying to sleep in the empty flat. Worse than trying to sleep on the sofa in the safehouse. At least then Martin had only been in the next room. Lying alone in the dark, all he could think about was where he should be instead. They’d worked so hard to fix everything, to make a world worth living in. They had known it would cost them, but they’d at least expected to be together. They could face the consequences of their actions together. That had been the plan. If he’d known that this was the cost, would he still have done it? His hesitation scared him. Surely he would’ve done anything to put the world right, to save everyone from the horrors he’d caused. But the truth is he doesn’t know if he could’ve stood there and sacrificed Martin’s memories of him. It terrified him how much he missed his power, the knowledge he’d had access to, but he was comfortable with that sacrifice, his power for everyone else to have their world back. Maybe Martin felt the same way. He wasn’t exactly happy, but he was free of the burden of his traumatic memories. He wondered, if Martin had the choice, whether he’d pick his memories or not.

Jon woke too early to go to Martin’s so he spent some time cleaning and then went to a nearby café for breakfast. When he could wait no longer he set off for Martin’s flat. Martin looked tired when he answered the door, but his smile seemed genuine. Jon wondered if that would ever be enough. If he could see Martin without it breaking his heart each time. 

‘I brought you a pastry and a tea, there wasn’t really time yesterday to go shopping.’ Jon said. They sat in the living room while Martin ate breakfast and Jon told him more about Georgie and Melanie. He even told Martin about when Georgie was younger, when the two of them were first dating. For a moment he forgot that this Martin wasn’t his Martin, until he reached his hand out to rest on Martin’s and only managed to stop himself at the last second. He pushed aside a wave of misery. The day was about reconnecting with friends and giving Martin connections so he didn’t feel so alone. It wasn’t about Jon’s feelings. 

They took the tube to Georgie’s. Jon was still amazed to be surrounded by people going about their normal lives. Martin took no notice of it, but Jon was looking around in awe. They had really fixed everything. The tinny noise leaking from the headphones of the person next to him was a welcome irritation. He wondered for a moment what nightmare they had been trapped in. He looked around the carriage and thought about where everyone had been. There was a time when he would’ve been able to know what their worst fears were. Now he had no idea, but he was glad they were all free of it. None of them would ever know how close they came to being trapped forever in that place. They’d never know that he was the one who put them there. He turned to Martin sitting beside him, silently keeping track of the stops they’d passed. None of these people would ever know that Jon trapped them in their worst nightmares, but they also didn’t know that Jon and Martin had saved them. They would never know how Martin had pushed him on, pushed him to  _ try _ . Martin didn’t know it either, how instrumental he had been in righting the wrongs Jon had caused. 

To his surprise, Georgie hugged him after opening the door. After how they left things, he wasn’t expecting much warmth from her, but he was glad of it. Melanie didn’t hug him, but she smiled when she heard his voice and that was almost as unexpected. Martin stood awkwardly behind him as he greeted them. Jon turned back to look at him. 

‘Oh, um… Martin, this is Georgie and Melanie. You only met Georgie once, but you worked with Melanie for a while.’ 

‘I’m afraid we had a bit of a disagreement when we met,’ Georgie said, ‘but I think you were just worried about Jon, and I was trying to keep myself away from everything that was happening there.’ 

‘Right. I don’t remember, but I’m sorry if I was rude.’ Martin replied. Georgie smiled sadly at him. 

‘When we worked together I had a ghost bullet in my leg making me angrier than normal, so I don’t think I made the best impression. Not that it matters now, if you can’t remember.’ Melanie said. Martin was saved from having to respond by Georgie inviting them both inside. 

It was really awkward at first. The joy of seeing each other again, of all being alive and back in a world they recognise, couldn’t cover over everything that had gone wrong between them in the past. Jon tried to apologise for turning up asking for Melanie’s help. Martin sat silently, staring at the floor. The Admiral broke the tension when he walked in, jumped onto Jon’s lap and started purring loudly. 

‘He missed you.’ Georgie said. 

‘I missed him. I missed you.’ He addressed the last part to The Admiral, making a fuss of him. The Admiral stayed to be petted and then moved from Jon’s lap to Martin’s. Instinctively Jon reached to keep petting him before realising that was an invasion of Martin’s personal space and bringing his hands back to his lap. He looked up to see Georgie watching him. 

‘So nothing has come back to you since returning to London?’ She asked Martin who shook his head. 

‘Nothing. I think it might just be gone. Jon said we knew there would be consequences, it looks like that’s what this is. I think if you do something as big as that, knowing there will be consequences, those don’t get to be things you fix.’ He looked back down at The Admiral. Jon stared at the floor. There was a logic to it, of course, but he couldn’t accept that. There had to be a way to get Martin’s memories back. They couldn’t be gone forever. When he looked up, Georgie was still watching him. 

‘Maybe,’ she said, ‘but memories are complicated. You don’t know they’re gone forever.’ 

‘What are you going to do, if they don’t come back?’ Melanie asked, ‘what happens for you now?’ Jon turned to watch Martin pet The Admiral, clearly thinking the question over before answering. 

‘I don’t know. It feels like everything changed overnight. It's not like my life was that great here anyway. At least before, I had friends, I had Tim and Sasha. And well, my mum and I didn’t exactly get on, but she was here. She was a reason to stay in London. Now? I don’t know. I guess I need to look for a new job? I…’ He took a deep breath and continued stroking The Admiral, ‘I lost years of my life, and from what I hear they were horrific. I don’t know where I’m supposed to go from here, whether I should try to get those memories back or not? I wonder if I’d be more sure of things if I had all those memories, or if I’d just be traumatised.’ 

‘Maybe it’s a good thing.’ Melanie said. ‘I blinded myself to get out, Martin. Maybe you don’t want to remember a place that would do that to a person.’ Georgie tapped the sofa next to Melanie then rested an arm on her leg. 

‘Sure,’ she said, ‘and I never worked there, so it’s not my place, but I think memories are important. I think the things we live through shape us, even if they’re terrible. Some version of you had to suffer through those events, forgetting it doesn’t change that. It just means you don’t remember what you learnt from it, or how you changed. I don’t know, Martin. I mean, there are things I would love to forget, but that doesn’t mean it would be good for me to forget them.’ Melanie shifted to rest her head briefly against Georgie’s shoulder. 

‘I would happily forget the archives and the apocalypse, but not if it also meant forgetting falling in love with Georgie.’ It had surprised Jon when he found out they were dating, but they were sweet together and he was glad they’d found each other. And he agreed. He wouldn’t trade away all his terrible memories if it also meant forgetting falling in love with Martin. 

‘From what I know about my life in those years, from what I’ve been told about everything that happened to me… I didn’t have that. Maybe it wasn’t all bad, but I don’t have that something or someone worth remembering everything for.’ Jon knew it was his fault that Martin didn’t know, he hadn’t told him what they were to each other, but that didn’t stop it from hurting. Georgie was looking at him again, the surprise on her face mixed with something that could’ve been disappointment. 

‘Huh?’ Melanie said. Jon didn’t know how to stop her without making it very clear to Martin what he was doing. 

‘What?’ Martin said. 

‘Isn’t that exactly what happened?’ 

‘He doesn’t know,’ Georgie said softly, ‘Jon didn’t tell him.’

‘Jon didn’t tell me what?’ 

‘It was just too much,’ Jon said, ‘we couldn’t come back to London yet, we didn’t know it was safe, and he barely knew me. All he remembered was who I was when I first got the archivist job, and I was a dick then.’ 

‘ _ Then _ ’ Melanie sniped. 

‘It wouldn’t’ve been fair. I couldn’t put all that on him.’ Martin stood up, gently dislodging The Admiral from his lap, who crossed the room to brush against Melanie’s legs. 

‘I am in the room, you know.’ He said. ‘Please stop talking about me like I’m not here. What didn’t you tell me, Jon? What have you been keeping from me?’ If Jon had been worried that coming to London would make him lose Martin, he was terrified about this. 

‘Martin, this really isn’t the time.’ He said. He couldn’t have this conversation in front of Melanie and Georgie. He didn’t know if he could have it at all. 

‘When? I’ve been without my memories for weeks. When are you going to tell me? What is it that your friends think I would want to remember? Why wouldn’t you tell me about something worth remembering?’ 

‘Please, Martin, I can’t do this now.’ 

‘I’m sorry,’ Melanie said. ‘I didn’t know you hadn’t told him. I’m sorry, Martin. Jon is an idiot, but I’m sure he was only trying to help. He’s not a complete asshole when you get to know him.’

‘Why don’t you sit back down. I’ll make everyone some tea.’ Georgie said. 

‘I’ll help,’ Jon offered, quickly following her out of the room. 

When they were in the kitchen Georgie pushed his arm. 

‘You didn’t tell him!’ 

‘I couldn’t. He was trapped with me, he just remembered me as his terrible boss, I had to tell him our friends were dead. I couldn’t also say “hey I know you don’t really know me right now, and we’re stuck here together, but we’re in love.”’

‘So what, you’ve just been silently sulking and being all heartbroken?’ 

‘Pretty much.’ 

‘I’m so sorry Jon.’ 

‘Thank you. I just… I didn’t realise I would lose him.’ He told her, his voice breaking. 

‘Oh Jon, You haven’t lost him, not really. His memories might be in there somewhere, and even if they’re not, he’s still here, he’s still alive.’ 

‘He’s not… I love him, but he’s not  _ my  _ Martin. He’s different.’ She nodded. 

‘You deserve to be happy Jon. So does he.’ 

‘Thank you. I’m happy for you and Melanie. I’m glad you found each other.’ The concern vanished from her face, replaced with a warm smile. 

‘Thank you. We’ve been through hell, both of us. But we made it and now we get to just be together. We get to be normal and have a life. I hope you get that too. I hope it works out for you. For what it’s worth, I like him for you. I know our first meeting wasn’t great, but The Admiral clearly loves him, and so do you.’

‘I do. I really love him.’ 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty big chapter this week, excited for you to read it. Hope you enjoy :)

Martin waited until they got back to his flat before he confronted Jon. Other than that strange moment, the day had been nice. Georgie and Melanie had been really friendly to him despite not being on good terms with him before. It gave him some hope, knowing there were people who would look out for him, that he wasn’t totally on his own. But he was confused about what Jon hadn’t told him. He already felt so lost without his memories, even when he thought Jon was being honest. Knowing that Jon had kept something from him made him feel sick. Without his memories, without Tim and Sasha, Jon was his only source of information. If that information wasn’t reliable Martin had no hope of figuring things out. 

Jon loitered at the door until Martin invited him in. Martin made them both tea, finding comfort in an act that was so familiar to him. It helped him build up the courage to do what he had to do next. 

‘Thank you.’ Jon said when he was handed his tea. Martin nodded in acknowledgment, and then took a deep breath. 

‘Jon, what did Georgie mean, what haven’t you told me?’ Jon paled. He stared down into his tea. 

‘I understand that it’s difficult not to know things, that you want all the information. I understand that more than anyone, Martin, but I didn’t tell you for a reason and I believe it’s best for you not to know. Trust me, it isn’t going to help anything.’ 

‘That’s bullshit, Jon. You don’t get to make decisions about me. You told me about Tim and Sasha, you told me about my mother, you told me about the goddamn apocalypse. Compared to that what could be so bad that it’s better for me not to know?’ For Martin it felt like only months ago that he was stammering in front of his new boss, back then he would never have dreamed of talking to Jon this way, but everything had changed. 

‘I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want it to burden you, or trap you. I didn’t want you to feel the weight of it. It’s mine to deal with.’ He looked afraid, which rattled Martin. From what Jon had told him, and from the nightmares he was having, he knew Jon had been through hell, what could this be that it frightened Jon? 

‘How am I supposed to do this, any of it, if I don’t have all the information? How can I trust what you’re telling me if I know you’re keeping things from me?’

‘Martin, please just trust me on this. You don’t need to know. It won’t help you to know.’ 

‘I barely know you! How can you expect me to trust your judgement on what I should or shouldn’t know?’

‘I’m sorry. But I really do have your best interests at heart. I’m… I’m going to go. This argument is pointless, it’s not going to get us anywhere. I’ll come back tomorrow, we can talk then.’ He set the mug down on the coffee table and stood up. 

‘If you leave, don’t bother coming back.’ Jon froze. A loaded silence fell between them. Cautiously, Jon broke it. 

‘Martin…’ 

‘No, Jon. I’ve been trusting you this whole time. I woke up without my memories and you were there. I let you fill me in on everything because I trusted you, even though my most recent memories of you were of someone who wanted nothing to do with me. If you don’t tell me the whole truth how can I keep trusting you? And if I can’t trust you I can’t keep listening to you. If you won’t tell me this, that’s okay, but I’m going to need to figure things out on my own.’ As Martin spoke he watched Jon press his lips together and look from his mug of tea to the door. He waited a long time before replying, continuing to stare at the door like he might really walk out of Martin’s life forever. 

‘We are… we were… together.’ Martin didn’t reply, he had an inkling of what Jon meant, but it made so little sense that it wasn’t sinking in. ‘In love.’ Jon clarified. 

‘No, really.’ He understood now, but he knew Jon had to be joking. 

‘Really, Martin.; Jon said, and he said it so gently, so sincerely, that Martin had to believe him. He didn’t know what to do with that information, didn’t know how to make it fit with his understanding of Jon. 

‘But you don’t even like me!’ 

‘Of course I like you. I know I was an arse when we met, I know that’s the version of me that you remember, but I love you, and you loved me too. I wasn’t trying to hide things from you or lie to you, I just thought… you woke up without your memories and so much had changed and it was only me and you. We didn’t know if it was safe to go back to London yet, it would be selfish of me to put that on you as well.’ 

‘You love me?’

‘Yes Martin, I love you.’ 

‘Oh.’ Silence fell between them again. Martin was still trying to wrap his head around it. To his knowledge Jon had only ever seen him as an annoyance, and sure he had been kinder recently, but this felt too far-fetched. 

‘I should go,’ Jon said, ‘I’m sorry. I told you it would be better if you didn’t know.’ 

‘You don’t have to go.’ Jon stayed where he was, waiting for Martin to continue. ‘When you… when you were telling me about the happy moments, you didn’t mention…’ he waved a hand between them. 

‘I didn’t.’

‘I’ve been agonising over whether I even want to get my memory back, because from what you told me those memories were mostly painful, and you didn’t think to tell me about us?’ He stumbled a little saying “us”, still finding the concept unbelievable. Jon sighed and lent back against the sofa. 

‘It was your decision. I didn’t want to pressure you to remember by talking about how I felt.’ 

‘But can’t you see how unfair that is? You were asking me to make that decision without all the information.’ He paused. ‘Were we happy?’ 

‘The world ended. We didn’t really have time to be happy.’ 

‘That’s not an answer.’ 

‘Yes. We were happy. Things were terrible, but at least we had each other. We were tense, we bickered through the apocalypse, and we weren’t happy  _ in general _ , but we were happy  _ together _ . God Martin, I wouldn’t’ve survived the end of the world if you hadn’t been there with me.’ 

‘And you didn’t think I deserved to know that? That’s important information if I’m deciding to try and get my memories back.’ 

‘Does it… has it changed your mind?’ Jon asked. Looking up at him Martin finally understood the way he’d been acting. He could see from Jon’s perspective, knew why he thought this would be too much of a burden for him, but also how heart breaking it would be for the person you loved not to remember you. It didn’t stop him from being annoyed at being lied to. But if the person he had been when he had his memories was this loved, then wasn’t it worth all the bad memories to have that again? 

‘I don’t know. This is a lot to process.’

‘I understand.’ 

‘I’m sorry,’ Martin said. Jon looked over at him, confused. 

‘What for?’ 

‘This must be really horrible for you. I’m sorry.’ 

‘And for you.’ 

‘God yeah, I woke up and lost years of my life. It’s awful. But for you, well you got through the end of the world and then I couldn’t remember any of it. I couldn’t remember...us. I’m really sorry.’ Jon smiled sadly. 

‘It’s not your fault.’ He said. 

‘I know that. I’m still sorry. Maybe you could tell me some of those stories as well? I just, I don’t understand how we got from what I remember to…’ he waved his hand between them.

‘I can try.’

Jon stayed until it got dark, telling Martin their story. Martin could tell from the way he talked that they really had been in love. He felt a terrible sense of loss, but he couldn’t tell if it was for his memories, for Jon, or for whoever this other version of him was. Jon told him about waking up from his coma to find Martin was pretty much gone, lost to the clutches of some manifestation of the concept of loneliness. The details didn’t make a lot of sense to Martin. 

‘We had the worst timing,’ Jon said, ‘we were preparing to face the Unknowing and I was listening back to a tape where Melanie and Basira were talking about… well they mentioned that they thought you were… I think their exact words were ‘he’s got it bad’ and I… I hadn’t even considered… and then suddenly I was thinking about things in a new light and I realised that I felt like that too, that I’d felt like that for a while without realising,’ he blushed, ‘I’m not very good at recognising that sort of thing. And then, we thought the world might end, which, God if I could go back and tell myself what I know now, but anyway, it just didn’t seem like the right time to say anything, and I didn’t really know if it was the truth or if it was just gossip. But, by the Unknowing I decided that I would try to talk to you when I got back. Except, I didn’t get back, not for months, and when I woke up, you weren’t there.’ Jon took a deep breath. His voice was shaking, so were his hands. Martin made them both a fresh cup of tea. When he got back with the new mugs, Jon continued. 

‘I guess I’d sort of taken you for granted. I thought you’d always be there. And then you were gone. When I saw you for the first time since the coma, I was a wreck, trying to strike up a conversation,’ he laughed, although there was little humour in it, ‘trying to see how you were doing. You didn’t want anything to do with me. I know why, now, but at the time I didn’t understand and you weren’t able to tell me. It was breaking my heart how much I missed you. I hadn’t expected that at all. I came to find you once, using my…’ he tapped his head, ‘that knowing thing I used to be able to do. You told me not to find you anymore. And then, well, this bit is ridiculous but, I found out how we could leave the archives, that we could blind ourselves to escape and I went to find you and pretty much asked you to blind yourself and run away with me.’ 

‘Fuck.’

‘Yeah, it was… not my proudest moment. But it was a huge revelation, the idea that we could escape, and if I was leaving, you were the person I wanted to leave with. You talked me out of it. We were worried about each other. I was worried about you being so isolated, about whatever cause you were working towards that you couldn’t tell me about, and you were worried that I kept throwing myself into danger.’ 

‘We sound like a right pair.’ Martin said. Jon laughed, but it was strained. 

‘We were.’ 

‘And then you rescued me. You told me about that. So it was some grand romantic gesture?’ 

‘I don’t know about a grand romantic gesture. I think it was just two people who had been in love with each other for a while but were separated by circumstances, being able to see each other again.’ 

‘It sounds beautiful.’

‘We were both a mess. The institute was being torn about around us by hunters and monsters. But then we made it up to Scotland. That was beautiful. It was difficult, I already told you how hard it was, coming from everything that had happened, but it was just so good to have time and space to be ourselves together. I think that’s the happiest I’ve ever been.’ 

‘Wow.’ Martin wished he had those memories. If only he could just recover those few weeks with none of the horrifying memories surrounding it. 

‘Yeah. I’ll tell you more about it, if you want. But I don’t think I can talk about it right now.’ 

‘I would like that.’ Jon smiled at him. His eyes were watery and he looked exhausted. Martin’s heart ached for him, knowing everything he had been through and everything he had lost. This Jon was so far from the aloof, uptight boss that Martin had a crush on. He could understand why that other version of himself would fall in love with this Jon.

Jon came back the next morning to take him to meet Basira. Martin was nervous answering the door. Everything had changed with the revelation of what they had been to each other. He didn’t know how to act around Jon anymore. Jon seemed equally flustered. After exchanging awkward greetings they walked in silence to the tube station. It was only when they were sitting on the tube that Jon spoke. 

‘Basira can be a bit intense.’ He said. He seemed to be avoiding everything that had happened the day before. Or maybe he didn’t think it really changed anything. ‘ _ He loves me, he loves me, he loves me _ ,’ Martin couldn’t help thinking any time he looked over at Jon. He didn’t know how to feel about it. There was an excitement there, definitely, but also apprehension. He knew that the other version of him had fallen in love with Jon, but all Martin had was an ill-advised crush on his boss. He had never intended to act on it, and had mostly been hoping that it would go away with time, which it obviously hadn’t. But this Jon was kinder, and Martin could see how his feelings might develop. It was all too much. 

‘Martin?’ Jon prompted. Right, Basira, they’d been talking about Basira. 

‘Um… thanks for the warning.’ 

‘You’ll be fine.’ 

‘Right.’ He wasn’t really nervous about it. He didn’t know Basira, he didn’t need her to like him, Melanie and Georgie had been nice to him so he at least had some connections in London. And he had Jon, whatever that was going to mean. He was more concerned with that than with meeting another of Jon’s friends. 

Basira was already seated when they arrived. She shook Jon’s hand in one of the most awkward exchanges Martin had ever witnessed. 

‘You really bloody did it.’ She said. 

‘We did.’ 

‘I guess this sort of makes up for you ending the world.’ She said and Jon shrugged. Then she turned her attention to Martin, squinting and looking him up and down. 

‘Martin,’ was all she said. It sounded like a greeting. 

‘Um… hi,’ he replied. He could see what Jon had meant when he called her intense. 

‘You really don’t remember me?’ 

‘I really don’t.’ 

‘Hm. Probably for the best.’ They sat down opposite her at the table.

‘How are you?’ Jon asked her. 

‘Well, the world is back. So that’s been good. I’m still looking for Daisy. No sign of her so far. I don’t know if she survived. I’m not going to give up though.’ 

‘Of course.’ 

‘How’re you holding up, given-’ she nodded towards Martin, ‘that whole situation?’ 

‘I am here, you know.’ Martin said. 

‘I’m okay,’ Jon said, ‘surviving.’ Basira looked grim. 

‘Maybe it doesn’t get to be over for us,’ she said, ‘it gets to be over for him though.’ 

‘Again,’ Martin said, ‘I am here.’ 

‘Right. And maybe this memory loss was a gift. What was it you said when you called me, Jon? “Great personal cost?” For you that was the removal of your spooky power. Seems like more of a blessing in disguise to me. Maybe it’s the same for Martin. I think we don’t get to leave this behind. Sure you “saved the world” but I’m still searching for Daisy, and you’re still just “surviving.” We’re tied to this shit. He’s not. You should let him go.’ She turned to Martin, ‘you should run for the hills. This stuff, once you’re in it you’re trapped. Melanie blinded herself to get free. You didn’t have to do that. You got it all taken away. Don’t get pulled back in.’ He almost preferred it when she was pretending he wasn’t there. 

‘Where would I go? There are four years missing from my memories. How do you just move on from that? Maybe I’m as trapped as the rest of you.’ 

‘Bullshit. Go get a different job somewhere. Move cities. People start over all the time. They called what happened at the institute a terror attack, people will understand you not wanting to talk about it. Fall in love with someone else, Martin. You’re a nice person when you aren’t working for Lukas, you’ll make new friends.’ Martin looked over at Jon who was staring down at the table.

‘Jon brought me here to make friends with _you_.’ It sounded childish, but it was the truth. 

‘You don’t want that,’ she replied, ‘anyway, I’m busy. I’m still in this. If you stick around and you need a hand, I’ll be here, but I’m telling you to leave while you still can.’ 

‘I dream about it,’ Martin admitted, ‘can it be over for me if I keep dreaming about it? Can I just walk away? It’s obviously still in there if I'm dreaming about it.’ Jon looked at him sharply. 

‘Maybe,’ Basira said, ‘maybe not. This is your best chance to try to get away.’ 

‘I’ll think about it.’ He said. 

‘Every second you spend thinking about it is a second you’re wasting. You should go now, before it’s too late.’ 

‘You dream about it?’ Jon asked, as if he hadn’t heard the rest of the conversation. 

‘Don’t you start,’ Basira said, ‘leave him be, Jon. Don’t be selfish. Let him go.’ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So obviously some of this isn't canon compliant anymore but it fits the fic better this way.  
> Halfway through now! See you next week x


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was really lovely to read the responses to last week's chapter. Now we get to see how Martin and Jon respond to what Basira said. Enjoy :)

Martin had been dreaming about it. Jon didn’t know what to make of that. It gave him hope that his memories were still there. The meeting with Basira hadn’t gone as planned, but Jon didn’t regret it. Basira was right, he was being selfish. It was good for him to be reminded of that. He’d done what he promised, he’d introduced Martin to people in London, and now if Martin wanted, he would leave him alone. Maybe Martin shouldn’t get his memories back. Maybe Basira was right and Jon would always be wrapped up in what had happened, but Martin had a real chance at a normal life. It would break his heart to let Martin go, but the lack of recognition in his eyes already broke his heart every time they were together. 

Martin invited him in when they got back. He made them both a cup of tea and they sat on the sofas like they had the day before. Jon prepared to ask Martin if he was following Basira’s advice. He would accept it, it was probably the right thing to do. Anything else was selfish. 

‘Martin-’ He said. Martin cut him off. 

‘Don’t start. I’ve had enough of you making decisions for me.’ 

‘I wasn’t… I just wanted to know if you were thinking about what Basira said.’ 

‘Of course I’m thinking about it.’ Martin replied. 

‘Oh.’ Of course he was. It was the right thing to do. Hearing him say it still hurt, even if it was for the best.

‘I’m not leaving, Jon.’ 

‘But…’ 

‘I said I was thinking about it. But I don’t think she’s right. I don’t think I can get away from all of this. I still lived through the end of the world, even if I don’t remember it. I’ve got the nightmares to prove it. If you’re stuck, I’m stuck. Anyway, where would I go?’ 

‘You don’t think you should even try to get away?’ Jon asked. He didn’t know why he was pushing this, he didn’t want Martin to go. He just didn’t want to be responsible for trapping anyone else. He wasn’t the archivist anymore. 

‘Maybe I should try, but I’ve been lonely before. Turns out it played a part in ending the world. Hearing about that puts a person off isolating themselves from the only people they know.’ 

‘Right.’ It was tough to unlearn all the small intimacies that came with being in a comfortable relationship with someone. The urge to reach out, to use small touches to comfort, was almost overwhelming. But he knew it wouldn’t be helpful. 

‘So I’m going to stay here. I’m going to look for a new job. I’m going to try to live my life.’ 

‘Oh.’ After everything that had happened, the idea of a mundane job seemed as fantastical to Jon as the entities once had. 

‘Maybe my memories will come back, maybe they won’t. But I can’t just sit around waiting.’ 

‘We could… going back to the institute might-’ 

‘No. Absolutely not.’ 

‘Right. Of course.’ 

‘Jon, from everything I’ve heard about that place…’ 

‘No, you’re right. We shouldn’t go back there. Not ever.’ 

‘So I’m just going to try to start over, but here, I’m not going to leave.’ The idea that Martin’s memories might never return terrified Jon. He loved this Martin, but he missed  _ his _ Martin. They both were and weren’t the same person. 

‘What about…’ he trailed off. 

‘What about us?’ Martin guessed. Jon nodded. ‘I don’t know. We weren’t even friends, and now… I don’t want to hurt you, I just… I don’t feel what he did, what the me that you know felt. I think, if you still want to see me, I think we need to try to be friends. I don’t want to lose you, I’m just not in the same place that you are.’ It was so sensible, but still gut wrenching. 

‘I understand.’ 

‘Was he… was he very different from me?’ Martin asked. 

‘You mean you? From before you forgot? You were a little different. I don’t know how much of it is you and how much was just that you were more relaxed around me. You did change a fair deal over the years though, became more decisive, braver, better at calling me on my bullshit. Although you’ve certainly been doing that the last couple of days.’ 

‘So maybe it’s all still in here.’ Martin said, tapping the side of his head. 

‘Maybe. Do you want it to be?’ 

‘I still don’t know. It would be nice not to have such a large gap in my memories, and I believe you that there are things worth remembering, things I wouldn’t want to have forgotten. Doesn’t mean the idea of remembering the apocalypse doesn’t terrify me.’ 

‘Yeah, I wouldn’t mind forgetting that.’ 

‘Even if it meant forgetting everything else?’ Martin asked. 

‘No. I wouldn’t want that. There are a lot of things I wouldn’t want to forget.’ Disregarding all the good things he wanted to remember, he still wouldn’t want to forget the bad. After what happened to Sasha, Jon believed it was his responsibility to remember what he could.

The next day he went to see Georgie and Melanie. It seemed only fair to give Martin some space, but this was the first day since walking out of the Lonely that they hadn't seen each other. Georgie made lunch and they sat around the dining table to eat, making polite conversation about the food and the weather as if they hadn’t all experienced the end of the world. When the pleasantries ran out Melanie changed the subject. 

‘Did you tell him then?’ She asked bluntly. 

‘Did I what?’ 

‘You know, last time you were here with Martin and you hadn’t told him you were together. Did you tell him?’ 

‘I did.’

‘And?’ 

‘Well he didn’t tell me he never wanted to see me again, so I guess it went as well as could be expected considering he only remembers how I was my first year as the archivist.’ 

‘Yeah. That’s got to be a tough thing to hear.’ Melanie said. Georgie put her hand on the table next to Melanie’s arm and then moved it to rest on her shoulder. 

‘How are you holding up?’ She asked Jon. 

‘I’m okay. We went to see Basira yesterday and she said some things that stuck with me.’ 

‘Like what?’ 

‘She told me that this doesn’t get to be over for us, but it does get to be over for Martin. She’s still looking for Daisy and I’m looking for a way to get Martin’s memories back, if he’ll let me. We’re still “just surviving.” I thought when we fixed things we’d finally get a chance to really live, but we’re still just doing what we have to from moment to moment. Basira told me I should let Martin go.’ 

‘Like how she’s let Daisy go?’ Melanie cut in.    


‘That’s not the same thing.’ 

‘No,’ Georgie said, ‘maybe not, but she’s still wrong. You’re right back where you were when you woke up from your coma, Jon. Throwing yourself in front of everything, trying to sacrifice yourself all the time. It’s not your job to decide for him. You only have to let him go if that’s what he asks you to do.’

‘What do you think, Melanie?’ Jon asked. She’d done what he couldn’t and left the archives, she was the most qualified to give an opinion. 

‘I think it’s Martin’s choice. He didn’t ask to lose his memories, he made a decision not knowing the consequences, like I did when I signed that contract. Anything that happens now, it’s up to him. It’s not fair for you to make the decision.’ 

‘Right.’ Jon sighed and leant back against his chair. He knew they were right, he knew it should be up to Martin, he just felt like he should be doing  _ something _ . 

‘How’s he doing?’ Georgie asked. 

‘He says he’s going to look for a job, stay in London. He says he’s going to get on with living rather than waiting for his memories to come back.’ 

‘Well, that seems like a sensible choice.’ 

‘I just… I don’t know what to do. Since getting that job, everything I’ve done has been working towards something. Trying to organise the chaos, trying to stop the unknowing, trying to get rid of Elias. The only pause was in Scotland. Getting through the end of the world, I thought we would be facing this together, and now I’m on my own and lost.’ 

‘You’re not on your own.’ Georgie said. 

‘Maybe not, but I thought I’d be building a life with him.’ When it had started to feel possible that they could fix what Jon had broken, he’d let himself imagine what life might look like after. 

‘You should follow his lead,’ Melanie said, ‘try to get yourself a new job, you should get a therapist as well, you probably both should. You made it, you fixed things and maybe the world should thank you for it, but they won’t. You can’t just sulk about it. And if Martin gets his memories back won’t it be better for both of you if you’ve spent this time trying to look after yourself?’ She made a good point, although it was hard to listen to. His choices, his career had been shaped by his first interaction with the Web when he was a child. He didn’t know how to move on now that he was free.

They moved to sit on the sofas, and The Admiral came to lie on the empty cushion next to Jon. Georgie told him about how the podcast was going. They talked about what they had been up to. It was nice to hear them talk about normal things, the sort of things that had seemed completely impossible a few weeks ago. The Admiral purred next to him. He understood what Georgie meant, that he wasn’t on his own. They hadn’t been on good terms, but now, without the archives, they could be friends. He didn’t have much to contribute to the conversation, his life had been centred around Martin’s memories since they had gone, and he knew there was only so much Melanie and Georgie wanted to hear about his heartbreak. But it was nice to just sit and talk and feel like a normal life might be within his grasp. 

After leaving Georgie’s he went to the supermarket. He had been living off of takeaways since getting back to London. The shop was overwhelming, too bright and too crowded, but when he was done it felt good to have accomplished an ordinary thing. He put the shopping away and cooked himself a simple dinner. It reminded him of being in Scotland, the last time he’d had any focus on mundane events. He could do this. Bit by bit, he could build himself up a normal life. Melanie was right, if Martin got his memories back it would be better for them both for Jon to have his act together. He wanted to ask Martin about the dreams he was having, to find out if there was any truth to them. He just didn’t know how to bring it up. Talking to Martin felt like a balancing act, trying to be kind while still leaving some distance, trying to be honest without burdening him. Talking to this Martin made him feel lonely, it made him long to see the Martin he knew. But at least he wasn’t being shut out completely. 

The next day he met Martin for coffee at Martin’s request, an attempt for them to spend time together in a way that felt normal. It was a small, independent place near Martin’s house. Jon got there first, ordered a drink and chose a table by the windows. He was anxious as if it were a first date, although Martin just wanted them to be friends. Martin arrived shortly after Jon. 

‘This place is nice.’ He said once he’d ordered a drink. ‘I wonder if I used to come here. It certainly wasn’t here before.’ Jon shrugged. He wished he knew those day to day things about Martin from before Lukas had come to the institute. 

‘How are you?’ He asked. 

‘I’m good. Job searching is freaking me out. I only got the last one by lying on my cv. Although I have a few years of experience now, so that might help. How’re you?’ Martin looked nervous, but he spoke calmly. 

‘I’m okay. I went to see Georgie and Melanie yesterday and they told me I should probably be looking for a new job as well.’ 

‘Yeah. What are you going to put on your cv, that you spent four years being turned into some sort of eye monster and then you put the world back together?’ 

‘Probably not.’ They laughed. Jon wrapped his hands around the mug of tea in front of him. The whole situation was bizarre, but it was nice to be around Martin. 

‘Yeah, I’ve just been using stuff from when I was still working in the library. The usual cv nonsense.’ He paused to take a sip of his drink. ‘I was thinking about going to the doctors, but then how do I explain everything? I guess just being able to say ‘I don’t remember’ might be pretty helpful.’

‘That might be a good idea, although seeing as how it was caused by reversing the end of the world, it might be beyond the expertise of normal doctors.’ 

‘I thought about that too. I was thinking about therapy maybe. If not to get my memories back then at least to help me deal with the fact that they’re missing.’ Martin looked down at the table. 

‘That sounds like a good idea. Melanie said something similar about me.’ 

‘Right, well, I guess that’s good advice for anyone who survived the literal end of the world.’ Martin said. Jon smiled and took a sip of his tea. It was bittersweet, sitting there with Martin, but there was a peace to it. They weren’t being hunted, they weren’t travelling through an apocalyptic hellscape, they weren’t trapped in a terrible job by an evil fear-entity-serving boss. They were safe. 

‘You have any plans for the rest of the week?’ Martin asked. It was so normal, so ordinary. That was supposed to be his life now, but it had been so long since anyone would think to ask him such a question that it threw him. Without his memories it hadn’t been that long since things were normal for Martin. 

‘I’m meeting Basira tomorrow to help her look for Daisy. You’re welcome to join me, although I’m not sure I’d want to if I were you.’ Martin laughed. 

‘I’ll give it a miss.’

‘She sounded harsh, but she was saying it to try to help you, not because she doesn’t like you.’ 

‘Yeah okay, but I think she’d be disappointed in me if I launched into all the supernatural stuff by helping her look for Daisy.’ 

‘Right.’ There was a pause. ‘What about you, any plans?’ 

‘Just more job searching, nothing interesting.’ He looked away from the table for a moment, and then turned back to Jon, his eyes watering slightly. ‘I know this isn’t fresh for you, but I… I can’t wrap my head around the fact that Tim and Sasha aren’t here. They were my whole social life, and now they’re both just gone. I keep going to text them and then I remember.’ Jon placed his hand over Martin’s. 

‘I’m sorry. I miss them too, so much, and I’ve had time with it.’ Martin nodded, holding back tears. He didn’t pull his hand away from Jon’s. This casual touch had been commonplace for them and now it was strange, but it was good to be able to do something in the way of comfort. Martin took a deep breath and Jon squeezed his hands once, gently, before pulling away. Martin gave him a weak smile. 

‘Thank you.’ He said. 

When they got up to leave there was an awkward moment as they tried to figure out how to say goodbye. In the end, Martin hugged him. It was a brief hug, and an awkward one, but it was nice just to be close to Martin again. He tried to hide how emotional it made him, not wanting to freak Martin out. On the way home, Jon thought about how they were each building their own new lives. It hurt that they were doing it separately, but it was good to see Martin making healthy decisions. Maybe they would never get back what they had lost, but they could at least stay in each other’s lives. It was a comfort that he held close to himself to keep from falling apart. 

They had been back in London for a month. The time had slipped away from Jon without him noticing. He felt almost peaceful despite a constant homesickness for something that didn’t exist. It was a dull, constant ache in his chest. He’d never been homesick before, and yet he could identify the feeling. It wasn’t for a place, but for the life he thought he would have. Seeing Martin made it worse, it reminded him that there was a different version of events, one where they got to be together, one where they got to be happy. Not that he didn’t like seeing Martin. It’s just that every time he saw this version of Martin, his version seemed further and further away. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've put a couple content warnings for this chapter in the notes at the end. Really excited for this one, hope you enjoy :)

The nightmares were getting worse. Martin would wake drenched in sweat and shaking, unable to get back to sleep. He had a routine for it now, getting up and making a decaf tea, sitting on the sofa for half an hour with a book before heading back to bed. He had also started writing out a dream journal. He was planning to talk to Jon about it, to find out what was real. Not all of the dreams were bad. Some of them were soft, still moments from the cabin in Scotland. He didn’t know if they were memories or if they came from what Jon had told him. He didn’t want to ask about those, they felt too private. He was understanding more and more why his other self might have fallen in love with this version of Jon. It was difficult to tell what were his true feelings and what came out of the gentle peace of those dreams. His crush on Jon had certainly deepened, become something more real, more urgent. It was no longer something he could push to the back of his mind and ignore. But the dynamic was too strange for him. Jon knew him, knew a version of him that Martin wasn’t. Jon had their whole history already in his head, and all Martin had was a crush on someone that, until recently hadn’t, been interested in him. He couldn’t see a way to make that work. It was better for them to stay friends.

A few days after meeting Jon for coffee, Martin went to the doctors. He did his best to explain what had happened, leaving out anything supernatural. He was referred for a CT scan by a baffled GP. He called Jon and asked if he could accompany him to hospital for his scans. It felt like the sort of thing you didn’t do on your own and he didn’t have anyone else to turn to. Jon was now his closest friend. The doctors at the hospital were just as baffled as the GP had been. They wanted to know why Martin hadn’t come to them sooner. The scans revealed nothing to them. They ordered a few more tests and concluded that it was probably psychological as they could find no physical cause. Martin was referred to a specialist. Jon stood by silently the whole time, occasionally giving Martin reassuring glances, or resting a hand on his shoulder. It was comforting just to have him there, to not have to go through it alone. 

They went for dinner afterwards, sitting in a booth at a cheap pizza place. 

‘Thank you for today.’ Martin said. 

‘Don’t mention it.’ 

‘I don’t know what I was expecting, but it would’ve been nice for there to be a physical explanation.’ Jon nodded. Martin was exhausted from waiting around in hospital all day. He’d never liked hospitals, they reminded him of his mother. She never wanted to go to her appointments and always blamed Martin for making her go. Despite his exhaustion, Martin took the opportunity to talk to Jon about his dreams. 

‘I’ve been meaning to ask you about… well I’ve been having these nightmares. I mentioned them before, but I wanted to run them by you and see how much they’re based on what happened. They might just be nonsense, but I really feel like they’re my memories.’ Jon looked hopeful and Martin felt guilty. There was no guarantee that this meant his memories could come back, he didn’t want to give Jon false hope. 

‘I’d be happy to help.’ Jon said.

‘Okay. I’ll bring my notebook with me next time we meet up. Thank you.’ It had been a long day and Martin just wanted to go home and sleep. If he hadn’t been so tired it could’ve been a lovely evening. Jon had become the person Martin felt safest around. He felt a little less lost when they were together. 

A few days later they met for coffee near Martin’s flat. He brought his notebook with him. Jon was looking well, more rested than Martin had ever seen him. They got their drinks and sat together by the window. The small talk between them flowed more easily now they were both used to meeting up like this. Martin had adjusted to this version of Jon, rather than the aloof, asshole boss from before. After exchanging pleasantries they turned to Martin’s dreams. He didn’t want Jon to read his notebook, so he flicked through, skimming what he’d written and telling Jon a more coherent version. It was hard to talk about the dreams as they were so jumbled, but he only needed to get across enough to know if any of it had really happened. They kept their voices low as they spoke, leaning closer to not be overheard. Martin described his dreams one by one and each time Jon stayed quiet for a minute, then nodded, explaining what connected from the dream to reality. He thought it would help to know that his memories were still in there, but the details of what they had both endured were horrifying. Martin only got a few entries in before he stopped. His hands were shaking and he felt like he was about to cry. 

‘I think that’s all I can handle for today.’ He told Jon. 

‘I understand. It’s a lot.’ 

‘It is. It doesn’t seem… I mean, I believe you that it happened, but it just seems so far-fetched, like our lives were a horror film.’ 

‘We don’t seem to have the best luck.’ Jon replied and Martin laughed. 

‘That’s one way to put it. Thank you, for…’ He waved his hand over the notebook. Jon nodded. 

‘Anytime.’ Martin closed the notebook and put it back in his bag, his hands were still trembling. Everything he learnt about his life over the past few years made him more reluctant to try to get his memories back. And yet, part of him wanted them back to remember being in love with Jon. 

That night he sat down to write some poetry for the first time since getting back from Scotland. It was good to fall back into his old hobby. It felt like he was becoming himself again. He wasn’t particularly pleased with what he wrote, a lot of dark imagery about nightmares coupled with something softer about a comforting presence, but it helped him to get his thoughts on paper. When he finally went to sleep his dreams were peaceful and ordinary and he forgot them upon waking. 

The next time Martin met Jon, they went out for dinner with Melanie and Georgie. Jon was on good form, smiling and joking with Georgie. Melanie was taking the piss out of them in a light-hearted way. Martin felt like an outsider, observing their shared happiness. They knew him, but he barely knew them. He couldn’t help thinking about Tim and Sasha. If they were here he could relax with them. Jon seemed to notice his mood and gently squeezed his arm. Martin relaxed slightly. He wasn’t on his own, even if it felt like it. Georgie noticed the shift and pulled Martin into the conversation. 

‘Martin, if you could live anywhere in the world, where would you want to live?’ 

‘Anywhere in the world? That’s a lot of choice.’ He was grateful for the distraction, glad to be included. He kept feeling like he was watching everyone else talk from far away. 

‘Anywhere.’ 

‘I’m not sure. I’ve always wanted to travel, but I don’t really have the money for it.’ 

‘Jon?’ Georgie asked. 

‘Pass.’ He said. 

‘What do you think this is, a drinking game?’ Melanie said. 

‘I’d just prefer not to answer the question. What about you?’ 

‘London’s good. Bigger cities tend to be more accessible. I know my way around. And I’m happy to be anywhere Georgie is.’ 

‘Well, that’s sickening.’ Jon said and they both laughed, the tension diffused. 

‘It’s not so much about where you are, I don’t think.’ Georgie said. ‘You can be miserable anywhere. It’s about who you are and who you’re with.’ 

‘Way to bring the conversation down.’ Melanie said. Georgie grinned and squeezed her hand. 

‘I’m happy to be wherever you are.’ She said. Martin looked down at his hands. He tried his hardest to avoid looking at Jon. 

Despite the feeling of being on the outside watching other people have a good time, Martin enjoyed the evening. He liked Melanie and Georgie. He appreciated how quickly they had set aside their initial awkwardness with Jon, how quickly they had accepted Martin as their friend, despite how he had been to them in the past. Talking to them, Martin felt like it was possible to start over, like he had enough left in this city to live with the gap in his memories. 

Martin sat alone in his living room. He’d had a job interview that morning that he thought had gone well. He was meeting Jon for dinner. He was planning to spend the time in between writing some poetry to clear his head. He had written and then scribbled out two lines when he got the strangest feeling of nostalgia. He paused, pen above the page, looking around. A sudden coldness descended upon him. The room seemed to fill with a fine mist. He was in his living room but he felt a million miles away. Jon’s voice called to him through the fog. Waves lapped gently against a shore that wasn’t there. 

‘Martin, look at me. Look at me and tell me what you see.’ Jon said and warmth flooded in, the fog dissipated and Martin was back in his living room, breathless. 

‘Fuck.’ He said. It was all he could manage. 

He didn’t tell Jon about it at dinner, unsure why. Perhaps he didn’t want to give Jon false hope about his memories. Maybe it was just too strange to put into words. He couldn’t shake away the feeling of that one moment where he’d seen Jon, really seen him. He’d dreamt of that moment before, but this had been different, more concrete. The feeling of dreams faded, but this wasn’t fading. He didn’t want it. He didn’t want this single memory, the feeling of being so in love coming from a different version of himself. It tainted things. Either he wanted to remember completely or he wanted to keep his own feelings separate. Some of it was him, he knew that. But some of it came from those dreams, and now that memory. He tried to keep his mind in the present, to focus on his dinner with Jon but he was distracted.

Jon put his hand over Martin’s and Martin flinched. Jon looked hurt. 

‘Sorry,’ Martin said, ‘I was miles away.’ 

‘Somewhere nice?’ 

‘You’re looking well,’ Martin said to change the subject. ‘You look a little calmer than usual.’ Jon laughed.

‘I’ve been taking Melanie’s advice.’ 

‘Everything’s so strange.’ Martin said. ‘I’m glad you’re doing well.’ 

‘I didn’t think I would survive it. I was certain I wouldn’t, but here we are. It’s been difficult to come to terms with that, with having a life stretching out before you when you were sure you wouldn’t. I’m trying to make the most of it, I guess.’ 

‘I’m glad.’ Martin reached his hand back from where he’d flinched away to squeeze Jon’s hand. As his hand touched Jon’s the restaurant melted away and he was stood in that cabin in Scotland. The room smelt of freshly baked bread. The kettle was boiling. The details were hazy but Martin could feel Jon’s hand in his, could see an expanse of green out of the window. He felt safe, he felt content, he felt loved. He looked up and there was Jon in the restaurant, concern evident on his face. The cabin was gone. The feelings remained. 

‘Martin?’ His hand was still resting on Jon’s and he pulled it away, twisting them together on his lap. ‘What happened? Are you okay?’ Jon sounded so worried, guilt twisted in Martin’s gut. 

‘I’m okay.’ He said, but even saying the words was a struggle. He felt untethered, like he might drift away. 

‘Martin.’ Jon said gently. 

‘It’s fine, it’s nothing.’ 

‘Okay. You don’t have to tell me about it, but you can. You know you can talk to me.’ Martin nodded. It wasn’t that he didn’t think he could talk to Jon, he just didn’t want Jon to read into what was happening. He didn’t want Jon to believe that his memories were coming back. It was something he had to figure out on his own. 

‘Can we just talk about something else?’ Martin asked and Jon nodded. 

‘I was watching this documentary last night…’ Martin tuned out while Jon enthused. It was nice to see him interested in something, but all Martin could think about were those two flashes of memory he’d had. He was watching Jon intently, trying to identify what feelings lingered from the memories and what feelings belonged only to him. 

He had a few more memories return to him over the next month. They were overwhelming. He felt like he was slipping, like his identity was being pulled away from him, replaced by all of these events. One moment he would be in the present and then he would be in a nightmare. They weren’t all bad, the bad ones were just more common than the peaceful ones. It was hard to identify what feelings came from those returning memories and what came from him. Eventually he decided that it didn’t matter. It was all him, after all. He was going to talk to Jon about how he felt. He had hoped his crush would go away, and as his feelings deepened he hoped it would be temporary. When he found out how Jon felt about him, how they’d been together, he had hoped he could ignore it until he got his memories back or was able to move on. But he’d sat with it for long enough to realise that his feelings weren’t going away. Jon loved him, he knew that. In some ways it made things more complicated. However, it relieved him of some of the fear of rejection. He had ignored it enough, he was going to tell Jon. 

They were out for coffee, sat across from each other at what had become their regular table. Music played quietly over the speakers and Martin tried to identify the songs to take his mind off of what he was supposed to be doing. His hands were shaking a little, but he tried to conceal it by clinging tightly to the mug in front of him. Jon was talking about job searching, and how strange it was to be going to interviews again. The place was busy, a long queue forming at the counter. Martin waited for Jon to finish talking, trying to build up the courage to say what he had to say. He’d have thought knowing a person was in love with you would make it easier to ask him out, but he was still a nervous wreck. When Jon finished talking he looked at Martin, clearly expecting a response. 

‘Oh… um…’ 

‘Miles away again?’ Jon asked. 

‘I’m sorry.’ Martin said. 

‘It’s okay. You want to talk about it?’ Martin nodded, but couldn’t get himself to say anything. He took a deep breath and drummed his fingers against the table, looking around the café as if expecting someone to come and help him. 

‘I was just thinking about… I was thinking about us. About, well, I know I don’t have my memories and everything is different, and you have all these memories of us that I don’t have, but… I like you.’ He took another deep breath. ‘I like you a lot, and it seems unfair that we can’t… that nothing can happen if we both feel that way about each other, just because of what one of us remembers. I guess what I’m saying is, I mean I guess I’m trying to ask you on a date. If you think that’s okay.’ He desperately avoided looking at Jon, staring intently at the knots in the table. 

‘Martin,’ Jon said, ‘I would love to. If you’re sure.’ 

‘I’m sure.’ He looked up, Jon was grinning at him, it was an expression Martin had never really seen on him before. Jon had looked more rested recently, calmer, but there had been a sadness he carried with him. Maybe it was loneliness, maybe heartbreak. 

‘We could get dinner tomorrow?’ Jon suggested. 

‘I’d like that.’ It was a massive weight off, and Jon seemed to feel it too. There was a nervous excitement between them. 

‘I can’t even begin to understand what this is like for you, but I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you didn’t run for the hills like Basira suggested.’ 

‘So am I.’ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning:  
> \- flashbacks  
> \- nightmares  
> \- disassociation/ questioning identity  
> \- hospitals


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit shorter than usual but I think it's worth it. Hope you enjoy :)

They’d been to dinner several times since coming back to London and still Jon was anxious. The context had changed. They’d never been on a real date before. The way their relationship had played out, there had never been much time for normal things. Jon got to the restaurant first and sat facing into the room looking at all the other diners. Everyone seemed so ordinary. First dates, those were things normal people went on. Martin had dressed up a little for the occasion. Because they’d never been on a real first date, or any real dates, Jon had never really seen Martin like this. He’d seen him dressed up for a few work functions, but he hadn’t been paying much attention. Martin looked good. Jon stood up to greet him with a hug and then they sat across from each other, the same nervous energy in the air as the day before. 

‘You look nice.’ Jon said and Martin blushed. 

‘Thank you. So do you.’ 

‘How have you been?’ 

‘It’s only been a day,’ Martin laughed. ‘I’ve been good. How have you been?’ 

‘Good.’ They paused to look at the menus and talk about what they were going to eat. After ordering, a brief awkward silence hung over them.  ‘These are exceptional circumstances for a first date. I’m not sure what the protocol is here.’ 

‘How about we act like we don’t have our history and we’re on a regular first date?’ Martin suggested.

‘That sounds good.’ 

‘Okay… um… do you have any hobbies?’ Jon paused. He hadn’t had hobbies in a long time, he’d been completely consumed by his work, and everything that had come with it. 

‘I’ve recently started knitting.’ He admitted. 

‘You have?’ 

‘My therapist suggested it. I’m not very good at not having something to do, I can be a bit of a workaholic. She thought it would be good for me to have something that keeps me busy while giving me some time to myself.’ 

‘And does it work?’ 

‘I think so. It’s surprisingly relaxing. I listen to the radio while I knit. It reminds me of a friend of mine.’ 

‘Oh?’ Martin leant forward across the table. 

‘She used to listen to The Archers. We were in a bad working situation and we would sit together and listen to it. I didn’t like it, but it was nice to do together. I don’t listen to The Archers, I listen to music stations on the radio and it reminds me of her.’ 

‘That sounds lovely.’ Martin said. 

‘Sorry, that was probably a bit heavy for a first date.’ 

‘Not at all. The point of a first date is to learn more about each other and that’s something I didn’t know about you.’ 

‘What about you?’ Jon asked, ‘do you have any hobbies?’ Martin blushed, although he didn’t need to, Jon knew what he was going to say. 

‘I write poetry. I guess for a similar reason to your knitting. It lets me process my thoughts, it helps me feel calmer. And I just like it, I suppose.’ 

‘Maybe I could read some one day?’ 

‘I don’t know. Maybe.’ They talked like that for the rest of the date, asking some questions they already knew the answers to and some questions that were new. This was Martin as Jon had known him five years ago, but now Jon got to actually  _ know _ him. It was his fault that they hadn’t been friendly then. Jon had been so wrapped up in his professionalism and so consumed by his work.

After eating they sat and chatted for a while before paying the bill, neither of them wanting the evening to end. They walked to the tube station together. Jon tentatively reached for Martin’s hand, delighted when Martin didn’t pull away. Everything was familiar and new at the same time. The way their hands fit together like nothing had changed, accompanied with a nervous, first-time energy. When they reached the station they stopped before the gates. The station was quiet, only a few people walking past them. Jon turned to face Martin. 

‘I had a really nice time.’ He said. Martin nodded. 

‘Me too.’ 

‘Can we… can we do this again?’ Jon asked. 

‘I’d like that.’

‘I’ll text you?’ Martin nodded again then looked around nervously, before looking back at Jon. 

‘Can I kiss you?’ Martin had asked that before, back in Scotland, a world away. Jon tried not to think about how their lives had been. Instead, he nodded to Martin. This wasn’t Scotland, this wasn’t a day after saving each other’s lives, this was a calm evening after a pleasant first date. This was the two of them starting over. Martin reached out, gently resting a hand on Jon’s cheek and they leant towards each other. It was perfect, slow and soft. Martin smiled at him shyly and Jon tried to hide how emotional the kiss had made him. It was another thing that felt familiar and new at the same time. Maybe Martin’s memories wouldn’t come back, Jon still loved him, and they were getting another chance. 

Back in his room Jon thought over the evening. Every positive, exciting first step of a relationship was tinged with melancholy. Martin was different from how he had been before he lost his memories, but he wasn’t a whole new person. It wasn’t as simple as drawing a line between Jon’s Martin and this Martin. Yes, the experiences they had faced together had changed them and made them closer, but here they were without those shared experiences, choosing to be together anyway. People change, part of being in a relationship is acknowledging that the other person can change and grow and still loving them. Sure that change normally happened slowly and didn’t involve one person losing four years worth of memories, but they’d never been a normal couple. He still hoped that Martin’s memories would come back, that they could stop the awkwardness that came with one of them having four years worth of memories the other didn’t, but the important thing was that they were together. Jon loved Martin. He loved him with all of their shared past and he loved him without it.

They met up the next day for drinks, sitting next to each other in a booth at the back of the bar, their knees just touching. 

‘We should maybe talk about all of this.’ Martin said. 

‘You’ve changed your mind?’ Jon asked, reeling. Just when things were making sense to him. 

‘No. God, no. I just think it’s worth talking about what we’re doing, it’s a little complicated.’ 

‘I see.’ 

‘So, um… I guess I mostly wanted to check in with you. For me this is all new, but for you… I can’t begin to wrap my head around how all this would make you feel.’ Jon put his hand on Martin’s, revelling in the fact that he could do so again. 

‘It’s certainly strange, and I won’t lie to you, part of me hopes that your memories come back, that we can be like we were, but I’m happy if you’re happy and I want to work this out with you. I feel how I feel about you, memories or not.’ Martin turned his hand over to interlace his fingers with Jon’s.

‘Okay. It’s all so…’ he waved his other hand in front of his face, ‘but I’m glad you’re okay. I just, I don’t know if my memories will ever come back and I don’t want to just sit around waiting for them. I thought this would be too difficult, what with everything, but I want to be with you. If my memories never come back, I still want to be with you, and I didn’t want to have to wait to find out if that was possible.’ Jon squeezed his hand in reply. They’d been through hell, and things were by no means perfect, but happiness really seemed possible. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, the final chapter! Thank you all so much for reading and leaving kudos and comments. It's really meant so much to me. Hope you enjoy :)

Martin had almost completely stopped having the bursts of memory that had been plaguing him. His mind had settled down. The memories that he had received were faded, unclear. They gave him little flashes of insight into the life he had before, but they didn’t give him the full picture. Now that they seemed to have stopped, he was glad he hadn’t mentioned them to Jon. He didn’t want to lie to Jon, but he was glad to not have given him false hope. He felt guilty about how glad he was that they had stopped, he knew Jon wanted him to get his memories back. Those bursts of memory weren’t helpful, though. They didn’t return him to whoever he’d been before, they just made him feel confused. Besides, he didn’t need his memories back to be happy with Jon. They’d been on a few more dates and things were going really well. The weirdness of their situation was fading into the background and they were getting used to being together as they were now. It was all still soaked in that early relationship nervousness, but it was good and exciting. 

They had been out for dinner a few times, been on a couple of walks together, and even gone to visit a museum. Now, Martin was going to Jon’s for dinner. Jon had offered to cook for them both, which, given his relationship to food in the past, Martin had been surprised about. He got there slightly early and Jon told him to wait in the living room while he finished cooking. Martin sat on the sofa, looking around at the room. There were a few pictures on the bookshelves and Martin got up to have a look, wondering if any of them would be of Jon when he was young, something to gently tease him about. Instead his eyes caught on a picture that he was in. It was from before the gap in his memories, from a time that was, to him, only a few months ago. He remembered the occasion, they’d gone out for drinks after work in one of their earlier weeks, when Jon could still be persuaded to join them. Sasha had been taking a group selfie, but just before taking it Tim had whispered a joke to her and she was using her other hand to cover her face as she laughed. Martin could understand why Jon would choose this photo of them. Jon had told him that all photos of Sasha had been replaced by the creature that had impersonated her after her death. This was probably the best way Jon could remember her. Tim sat next to her, grinning about the joke he had just told, looking very pleased with himself. He had one arm over Sasha’s shoulder and one arm over Martin’s. Jon was on the other side of Martin, he wasn’t looking at the camera, looking instead at Tim and Sasha, a reluctant smile on his face. He looked so young. To Martin this all felt so recent, and yet it was evident how long ago it was from the change in Jon. In the picture he was devoid of the scars that now marked his appearance and the grey in his hair appeared only around the temples. Martin looked at his own image. He was smiling at the camera, a little awkwardly, but with genuine happiness. The photo showed him as he remembered himself, as he felt he should look now. His head spun. He remembered that moment so clearly, how he had stayed looking at the camera despite Tim and Sasha giggling beside him, how Sasha had checked the photo afterwards and demanded they take a new one because ‘Tim had ruined it.’

With the photograph still clutched in his hands, Martin sank back onto the sofa. He was shaking. That one memory was so clear in his mind and suddenly all of the others flooded in. He could remember being trapped in his house by Prentiss, the intermittent knocking at the door, running out of food, going out of his mind with boredom. He could remember running from the worms in the institute tunnels, getting lost and stumbling upon the room with Gertrude’s body, feeling so sure that they were all going to die. He remembered growing more and more concerned about Jon who was spiralling into paranoia and wouldn’t talk to them. He remembered being the only person convinced that Jon hadn’t killed anyone, worrying about Jon as he travelled across the globe, worried about Jon as he prepared to face the unknowing. He remembered standing up to Elias, the terrible things Elias made him Know. He remembered sitting by Jon’s bedside begging him to wake up, remembered his mother’s death, the attack on the institute, agreeing to work with Peter. He remembered the loneliness that had eaten away at him, growing colder and more desolate. He remembered seeing Jon again, truly seeing him, walking hand in hand out of the Lonely. He remembered Scotland, every peaceful moment they had together. He remembered the end of the world, waiting for Jon to be ready to leave with him, walking through each individual hellscape, bickering with Jon, getting sick of how cryptic he could be, but being glad he was there, taking some small semblance of comfort in Jon’s presence. He remembered all of it. 

He didn’t hear Jon walking into the room with dinner, but he felt Jon’s hands on his. 

‘Martin?’ Jon asked, his voice full of concern. Martin was sobbing. His body was shaking with the force of it. 

‘I’m sorry,’ he managed to choke out between tears. 

‘It’s okay,’ Jon said softly. He wrapped his arms around Martin, one of his hands in Martin’s hair, the other stroking his back. ‘It’s okay. It’s over. We’re safe. It’s okay.’ Martin let himself cry, he leant into Jon, mind still reeling from everything he had remembered. When he had calmed down enough to speak he leant back slightly so he could see Jon’s face. 

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, ‘how could I forget us?’ 

‘It’s okay. It wasn’t your fault. It’s okay.’ 

‘No,’ Martin put a shaky hand on Jon’s cheek, ‘how could I forget everything? How could I forget all that?’ Martin could see the realisation dawn on Jon, could see the hope in his eyes. 

‘Martin?’ He brought his hand to rest against Martin’s jaw. Martin nodded. 

‘I remember.’ Jon stared at him for a second and then kissed him, long and slow. When they pulled apart they were both crying. Martin tugged Jon back against him and they sat on the sofa holding each other and sobbing. 

They sat there for a long time, clinging to each other. When they’d calmed down a little, Martin pulled back. 

‘The food will have gone cold!’ He said. Jon laughed. 

‘The food doesn’t matter.’ 

‘But you went to all this effort to make it!’ 

‘We’ll just heat it up, it will be fine,’ Jon stroked his hand over Martin’s shoulder. ‘We should probably eat though.’ Martin nodded and then rested his forehead against Jon’s. 

‘We should.’ Jon kissed him again, softly and then stood up. He offered Martin his hand and pulled him to his feet. They reheated the food and sat close together at the table. Martin’s hands were still shaking. The flood of memories had settled in his head now, they had become just like the rest of his memories, half obscured, but there. He couldn’t believe he’d forgotten it all. It seemed impossible now. His heart broke for Jon who’d had to suffer the last few months remembering everything on his own. He apologised again for forgetting, and was again told it was not his fault. 

‘You were all on your own.’ Martin said. 

‘I’m okay. You were still here, just… I wasn’t all on my own. But I’m so glad you’re back.’ Martin reached over to hold his hand. Jon bumped his shoulder gently against Martin’s. 

‘I love you.’ Martin said. Jon knew it, of course he did, but it felt important to say it now his memories were back. Jon wrapped an arm around him and held him close. 

‘I love you.’ He said. Martin looked back at the meal that they’d half eaten. 

‘This is very nice.’ He said. 

‘Thank you. I’ve been practising.’ 

‘You were trying to impress me,’ Martin teased, ‘you didn’t have to do that.’ 

‘Until very recently, I did.’ 

‘No, Jon, you didn’t. Even when I couldn’t remember, you didn’t need to try to impress me. Although if it means you’ll cook food like this, I won’t stop you.’ Jon laughed and they went back to eating. Martin couldn’t believe he’d spent so long not remembering everything that had happened between them, but he was glad that in that time they’d come together anyway. Even without the memories of all that had happened, he’d ended up with Jon. And now that he could remember, Jon wouldn’t have to feel so alone. 

After dinner they moved back to the sofa. They sat curled up together and talked softly about Martin getting his memories back. They stayed there until late in the evening when they finally noticed the time. 

‘Stay?’ Jon asked. 

‘Of course.’ 

* * *

Jon woke up with Martin next to him. He had a moment of peace, looking at Martin asleep beside him and then panic began to creep in. It was exactly as it had been that morning in Scotland, waking up feeling like it was all over, and then Martin’s confusion. He didn’t know if he could survive that again. Anxiety was making him too restless to stay still but he didn’t want to get out of bed. As long as he stayed where he was and Martin kept sleeping, he didn’t have to find out that his memories were gone again.

‘What’s wrong? I can practically hear you thinking.’ Martin mumbled, clearly only just waking up. Jon let out a sigh of relief.

‘Oh thank God.’ Jon said. He pulled Martin against him and Martin complained sleepily before wrapping an arm around Jon and resting his head on Jon’s chest. 

‘Still here.’ He whispered, clearly figuring out what Jon had been worrying about. Jon rested his hand on the back of Martin’s head. Martin kissed his chest. ‘If I go back to sleep, will you be okay?’

‘I’ll be fine.’ 

‘If you get worried again, you can wake me up. I won’t mind.’ 

‘Okay. Go back to sleep, Martin.’ 

‘I love you.’ 

‘I love you.’ He would let Martin rest. They had all the time in the world. They were safe, they were happy, and they were together. 


End file.
